I thought it would be fast and simple to make.
I worked every day on my calligraphy – learning to spend 1 -2 pages on just practicing letters before starting anything. I stumbled because my body was healing, which meant lots of sleep and not enough time to create. When I did create, nothing, I mean nothing, would come together like the vision that came to mind. When the full moon came along with our little alters deadline, and then it went and yet still nothing would come together, I thought, “Should I give up? Should I say Sorry I’m not going to make it. And Cry Uncle?” Not finishing felt like letting Marilyn down. Even though, there are times when it's really ok to say - I just cannot pull this together, I still felt like I was letting the whole Little Alter's team down.
I had a sense, a teeny, tiny, constant feeling to keep going. Even if all I was doing was to practice my calligraphy. So, I would pick up the pen and write my what if’s. If you’re familiar with Abraham Hicks, then you may have heard of the “What If” game, where you dream up your amazing life by asking “what if…” followed by stating a piece of the amazing life you dream of having. I would like to be there, but I’m not yet in the phase of, “Oh I deserve this awesome life, so I’m dreaming it and I can really see it happen”. I’m more at the phase of belief/dis-belief. One my consider it, between cautious optimism and pessimism. Before I can climb the ladder to enthusiastic belief, I need to explore the previous areas. Sometimes, when we are low or unable to let go of fear, that means, vocalizing and acknowledging deepest fears. Other times when we’re not so deep in the world of fear, but not quite yet wearing our rose-colored glasses, that means wondering if it could really happen. And so, my What If’s live in that middle purgatory or middle earth.
One of the days I was writing my what if’s in hopes of creating my final alter project, I fell into deep anger and unhappiness. My What if’s landed in that dark, murky pool of fear and anger.
And… that sort of helped break me. Of course, there were lots of tears – anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loss, humiliation, confusion, and hurt. Ok. So what if it didn’t get any better than it is right now? Ok. I’m there. And as Reba says, “When you hit rock bottom you’ve got two ways to go, straight up or sideways.” I skittered sideways for a while. That was ok, but definitely hard.
And then, something magical happened about 4 days after the full moon.
I had a sense, a teeny, tiny, constant feeling to keep going. Even if all I was doing was to practice my calligraphy. So, I would pick up the pen and write my what if’s. If you’re familiar with Abraham Hicks, then you may have heard of the “What If” game, where you dream up your amazing life by asking “what if…” followed by stating a piece of the amazing life you dream of having. I would like to be there, but I’m not yet in the phase of, “Oh I deserve this awesome life, so I’m dreaming it and I can really see it happen”. I’m more at the phase of belief/dis-belief. One my consider it, between cautious optimism and pessimism. Before I can climb the ladder to enthusiastic belief, I need to explore the previous areas. Sometimes, when we are low or unable to let go of fear, that means, vocalizing and acknowledging deepest fears. Other times when we’re not so deep in the world of fear, but not quite yet wearing our rose-colored glasses, that means wondering if it could really happen. And so, my What If’s live in that middle purgatory or middle earth.
One of the days I was writing my what if’s in hopes of creating my final alter project, I fell into deep anger and unhappiness. My What if’s landed in that dark, murky pool of fear and anger.
And… that sort of helped break me. Of course, there were lots of tears – anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loss, humiliation, confusion, and hurt. Ok. So what if it didn’t get any better than it is right now? Ok. I’m there. And as Reba says, “When you hit rock bottom you’ve got two ways to go, straight up or sideways.” I skittered sideways for a while. That was ok, but definitely hard.
And then, something magical happened about 4 days after the full moon.
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